Changes

I reflect back to about a year ago right now, and where I was emotionally, spiritually, even physically, and shudder. I think reflecting back to that is something I should not do for a while -- I feel so good about where I'm going now, and hopeful. Even in this grey, cold, wet, dingy city winter, I feel better than I'd ever hoped I would.

Why, you ask?

A few things...one is the relative health of my whole family. Shmoo made it through pneumonia last week without a hospital stay...and I think a year ago, it might have even required her to be intubated. This time, we had a fever, a doctor's visit, a chest xray, and a course of antibiotics, and she's ok again. Doodlebug had an ear infection (her first!) and a bladder infection, and was probably the sickest I've ever seen her, but we made it through that ok too. They're surviving, fighting infection with vigor, and winning! I always expected that of all of us until Little Shmoo started losing her fights when she was an infant, and I think I lost my trust in our bodies' abilities to care for themselves. I'm regaining that trust, slowly, and it feels good.

Another exciting and energizing thing is our search for a new house is going wonderfully. We decided to live in Evanston, IL, a neat suburb rich with culture, diverse ethnically and socially, and full of gorgeous old homes with fantastic looking front porches. We go tonight to our favorite of the ones we saw to decide what to bid -- it needs such work, but oh my, it's 127 years old and GORGEOUS. Wish us luck!

Also, I will start a new job next week! A friend at my old place of work got a grant to build a wonderful web site -- I'll have to ask her if it's ok to talk about the specifics here -- and she hired me to work on it part-time for the next six months. The money is meaningful, and so is the work, so it fulfills me in ways I didn't expect to be fulfilled by freelancing. It will get me out of the house once a week at least, and give me the quiet space I need on other days to hear myself think.

I have learned that I was right to be suspcious of full-time, stay-at-home-mothering as a good life for me. It can't be everything for me, at least not with such young children, and no matter how I try to feel fulfilled and whole on my living room floor with a pile of blocks in front of me and a casserole in the oven, I can't. I can do it much of the time, but not seven days a week. It's not the kind of woman I am. I deeply, deeply love my children, and want to be with them -- but I cannot be with them all the time. It reduces me to just one part of me, and eliminates -- or at least dampens -- the rest. Others will argue that it's not forever, it's only for a few years, they're only this little for a short time, etc., but it turns out that my limits are different than the limits of those people. I accept that. I wish it was different, but it isn't.

Finally, a song about tenderness for daughters...I heard this in my friend's living room, and had to buy the CD. There are moments of such sweetness in a house with little ones, and I do recognize that. I love these moments -- and I love this song.

Daughters
by Greg Brown

One is long and one is short
One is thin and one is stout
In the morning when they wake
Only one's breakfast can I make

One dances and knows how many squares hopscotch ought to have
One says wah wah wah wah wah wah wah ha ha wah wah

One won't eat anything much
I guess she lives on air and sun and noodles
One's beginning to learn
That the milk is over there
Inside of that shirt
Beneath the blue eyes of the woman I love

I'm a man who's rich in daughters
And if by some wild chance I get rich in money
Like another two thou a year
Or even one thou a year
I'm gonna look into having some more daughters

When my daughter who is tall now was not so tall
One night we were driving home in the truck
And I was sad cuz I was busted and disgusted
And she looked out the window and said
"Dad, the moon is coming home with us!"
She said "Dad, the moon is coming home with us!"

I'm a man who's rich in daughters
And if by some wild chance I get rich in money
Like another two thou a year
Or even one thou a year
I'm gonna look into having some more daughters

And in the morning they magic the house
The one that can walk walks in warm and still dreaming
To give me a hug or ask why it's so cold or why is there school
"Why's it so cold?" or "why is there school?"
And the one who can't walk or talk
Just lies in bed and laughs
She just lies in bed and laughs

I'm a man who's rich in daughters
And if by some wild chance I get rich in money
Like another two thou a year
Or even one thou a year
I'm gonna look into having some more daughters