Why I Brought Them Into This World

A monologue by my amazing Doodlebug:

"At school? Last week? One day Adam was crying because he didn't listen to the teacher and he had to sit at the hexagon table and think and he was crying! He was crying because he was so sad about sitting all alone by himself with no friends! And Suzie and I both felt so sad for Adam! And I started to cry and Suzie's mouth did like this, like a huge hu-nor-mous frown, because we were so sad for Adam, because we love him so much and we don't want him to be sad! We love him so much, Mommy! We don't ever want him to be sad!"

I don't know many times when I've been prouder of my work as a parent. Every parent has a motive for having children...or perhaps motive is too negative a word, but surely everyone has a reason. There are parents in Israel having children, as many as they can, with the main goal being to repopulate the world with Jews after the extermination of them in the Holocaust. There are parents who have children to right the wrongs of their own parents, parents who have children because they feel it's the next thing on a long checklist of things to do with their lives, parents who have children because they think children are absolutely delightful and they want to fill their lives with that delight, parents who have children for combinations of many reasons.

Well, I had children for a combination of reasons too, but one of them was that I wanted to put nice people out into the world. I felt accutely as a child, and still feel as an adult, that there are too many people out there who don't feel for each other much. There were other children -- MANY other children -- who would not have stopped for a moment to feel sorry for Adam crying at the table. I, like my Doodlebug, would have stopped. I also, like Adam, would have been sad at that table and wishing someone would notice my sadness.

So, with that in mind, much of my and True's approach to parenting has been to encourage our daughters to notice others. The world has not centered on any one person for them. We have tried to show them that, within their ever expanding worlds, growing from our little family to the extended family to their preschool and neighborhoods and now Doodlebug's kindergarten and big elementary school, there is a need for us to balance our needs and wants with those of others. Doodlebug surely had something more fun to do than cry about Adam's sadness -- but she noticed it, and felt for him. I am proud of her for that.

After she told me the story, I told her that she was a wonderful friend. Then I taught her that what she was feeling was called "empathy," and it was a very good thing to feel. I said, "you were feeling what I feel when I see you crying." And she said, "Mommy, I'm glad you have empathy too."